A Lil’ Bit o’ Woo-Woo

I don’t have a lot of enemies. There’s a very small number of people I’d prefer to never see again, but I still generally wish them well in that generic, goodwill-to-fellow-humans sort of a way. I don’t think I could bring myself to shake hands with Donald Trump, but that just seems like good sense.

However, I have one enemy that’s gone too far, too many times. One enemy that I’d like to destroy, take completely off the gameboard. Because they have it coming.

Mercury. The planet, not the chemical element. (Although it can poison you, so maybe it’s best to avoid M/mercury in all its forms.) Mercury’s out to get me, and probably you too;  its power shouldn’t be underestimated.

Thanks for the diagram, NASA!

I’ve never considered myself a believe in the woo-woo. Horoscopes are for fun, a laugh, a conversation starter, a thought provoker. Psychics are for people who have nothing better to spend money on, and/or nowhere else to turn for answers. But…

I used to work with somebody who, when life wasn’t going well, would say, “Mercury must be in retrograde.” I didn’t know what that meant. As far as I was concerned, it was just one of her quirks, and I gave it no further thought.

Apparently, even though I didn’t know what it meant, I accidentally learned to recognize situations where you’re supposed to blame Mercury. Last May, I had a couple days where the something-went-wrong moments seemed to be stacking up unusually fast. I couldn’t understand why the universe was suddenly working against me. In frustration, I heard myself channeling my colleague and moaning “Mercury must be in retrograde…”

Curiosity stirred, I wondered how you really know if Mercury’s in retrograde. So google introduced me to ismercuryinretrograde.com, where I discovered that the answer was YES, Mercury really was in retrograde! Further research confirmed that it had begun retrograde the day before–I so called it!  I also learned that during retrograde, you can expect lots of problems with communication–misunderstandings, failures to follow through, etc–and also problems with technology. All accurate.

I laughed about the coincidence of it all. Things kept going as Mercury predicted… But it was late May, and I’m a teacher. May and June are always rough.

September came, and the school year started strong. My kids were great, and so were my colleagues. I was excited about the year. Couple weeks in, there was a sudden turn south. None of “the things” were working, and I felt like I was constantly throwing my arms in the air in frustration. I looked back at the last couple days and decided, “September 17. That’s the day the world fell apart.” Then I looked it up, and sure enough, Mercury had gone into retrograde on Sep. 17.

Now it’s 2016, and the year started off rough. When I spilled water from an oops-I-guess-that-wasn’t-empty-after-all cup onto my laptop, I had the fleeting thought, “We aren’t starting another spell of Mercury again already, are we? Does it even happen this frequently?” I pushed it out of my mind, but the next few days continued to be a battle between me and the universe, nothing working out like it should. A few days later, when my work laptop completely stopped working for no reason at all, I decided it was time to look up the question again….  January 5, the day that I killed my personal computer and first had the thought, Mercury did indeed begin another round of retrograde.

Screen shot 2016-01-16 at 4.11.54 PM

That’s three consecutive Mercury-in-retrogrades that I’ve accurately predicted, within a day of it starting! I don’t want to be the person who believes the woo-woo, but sometimes you have to deal with what’s staring you in the face.

Mercury’s a problem. It has way too much power, and we all know how unchecked power corrupts. It needs to be stopped.

And it’s an election year! Why aren’t the candidates talking about this? We’re so busy defending ourselves against Central American children and Syrian refugees, that we’re not paying any attention to the real threat to international security. I say it’s time to set aside our differences and unite as fellow citizens of Earth. Nothing to bring people together like a common enemy, right? We need a commander-in-chief that will take a firm stance against Mercury, show it we won’t be pushed around like this. Now, if the candidate who will support this plan could please step forward…

Until then, hang in there. This round of Mercury’s retrograde is due to end January 25. We’re almost there.

2 thoughts on “A Lil’ Bit o’ Woo-Woo”

  1. Omg that was hilarious. And whoa that Mercury! That changes my simple thought that bad things come in 3s and now I will wonder constantly if Mercury is causing all my problems, cause it could be so. Stupid Mercury. Nice job predicting this Mercury nonsense…planet needs to get back in grade…or whatever makes it better again. Lol what’s our excuse the rest of the time? 🙂 I didn’t hear anything about it in the Democratic debate the other night but I can’t wait to! HUGE issue.

    1. The rest of the time, we blame it on lack of Dr. Pepper, of course! Another issue we need to get on our fearless leaders’ agenda…

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